So I’ve recently been introduced to this clinician named Brian Post (www.post institute.com) through my work who has done a ton of research on parenting and also the human brain. I have listened to some of his seminars on cd and read some of his materials, but yesterday in supervision, I was exposed to him on DVD. He introduced a concept that was fascinating to me in working with kids (as a professional or a parent)…the concept was, “ignore the lie, not the child”. He explained that children, and adults as well, only lie when they feel scared or when they feel like there is no way out. So, instead of scolding the child and punishing them for lying, he suggests that the parent should do everything in their power to make sure the child knows you love them and that the child is in a safe place. The result is that the child automatically stops lying. He claims that if parents do this consistently for 2 weeks, that they will see huge results and he has research to back this up. So, the scenario goes like this…
Traditionally, parents respond this way…
Dad: “Did you eat all the cookies out of the jar?”
Child: “No, I haven’t touched it.”
Dad: “Well, you are the only one home and there were cookies in there 2 hours ago, and I didn’t eat them.”
Child: “I don’t know what happened to them, but I didn’t eat them.”
Dad: (yelling) “I don’t know why you are lying to me about this, but go to your room and think about what type of punishment you think you should have.”
Post claims it should occur like this…
Dad: “Did you eat all the cookies out of the jar?”
Child: “No, I haven’t touched it.”
Dad: “Honey, you know I love you right? You know that no matter what happened, I will always love you and nothing can change that.” (Dad leaves it at that and comes back a few hours later).
Dad: “Honey, you know that when you lie to me, it really scares me and hurts my feelings because it makes me think that you don’t trust me and that you feel like I am going to hurt you in some way? I just want you to know that I love you, but when you lie, it really hurts me.”
Post says after 2 weeks of responding gently this way to the child, the lies reduce by at least 50%.
Interesting huh?
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
"Ignore the lie, not the child..."
Posted by Lindsay at 2:04 PM
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3 comments:
hmmm, very interesting indeed. so is he saying that everyone who lies does so because of an unstable/unhappy home environment throughout childhood?
while his thoughts seem valid enough at first glance, it seems that if they are continued or fleshed out it becomes another excuse for people to avoid responsibility and blame their parents for everything.
but, what do i know? he's the expert researcher.
Certainly fits with PREP concepts, huh? :-)
this article is very interesting...i didn't agree with it at first...mainly because I was not raised this way. But after a few days of reflection, I have changed my opinion. I was thinking of examples of how Jesus Christ responds to us when we lie to him. Does he yell and scream and put us down? No, he responds with grace and love. What about when Peter lied about not knowing Christ? Christ did not degrade him-he felt compassion and was empathetic toward him. Should we, as parents be Christ-like and be a reflection of His love to our children? Of course!!!
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